What is now?

a reflection

I lacked confidence throughout my teens and 20’s. Finding and marrying the love of my life helped adjust that immensely.. No good therapist will tell you to fix yourself by finding a good partner. But I did have an acupuncturist tell me I needed to meet someone that would ground me. Maybe it was that after 30 years of life, many therapy sessions and intense self-work, I had nearly fixed myself and my husband simply sealed the deal. Brad brought me off the dangerous high wire onto solid ground. The acupuncturist was right.

But there was still a big part of me that was lost. In my singer/songwriter career I continued to push my way down avenues that always brought me around to the same dead end. I responded to dead ends by exerting more force. I had this thing where I thought if I pushed hard enough, I could force a wall to break. I had done it with so many things in my life. It was my way. My modus operandi. I do not recommend it.

And my daughters know that I don’t recommend it. Because I have told them all about my struggles. To the detail. My daughters know the murky depths of my confusions, the dangerous places I led myself.

My oldest just left for college. A few months ago when she was choosing her classes, she came home one day and beamingly told me she had chosen Women’s Self Defense for her elective. I did it for you, she said.

Well- you did it for YOU, I said. But I knew what she meant. And she knew that I knew what she meant, because I had tears in my eyes.

A strong woman.

What makes a strong woman? A woman who knows she has a choice in the matter. I didn’t feel I had a choice in my younger years. For example: if I didn’t make it as a singer/songwriter, I was a failure. And that was that. So, when I couldn’t make all the pieces fit together, and my career would not financially sustain me no matter what I did, I lived as a failure. I set that deal up for myself and I lived it. See?

If I could go back, I would have… I would have…I would have…

Valued myself more. A woman who values herself sees she is not hemmed in.

And there you have it girls. No road is a dead end. You can be more than ONE thing at a time! You can be fluid and still attain happiness. Girls, please keep that with you, won’t you?

This morning I wake up in Kauai. Brad and I are here on a 20th anniversary trip and our first trip alone without kids…ever. With both girls almost grown, I am on to the next phase of my life. So happy to be here.

Valuing myself. In charge. Worthy.
I got the concept some years back.
The fluid part, the trust part, I’m still learning.

When you are in charge, it doesn’t meant you have it all figured out. But you leave space for life to come in and point out a direction. That’s what my own mother has tried to teach me. It doesn’t mean you’re not in charge when things feel unsettled, but it means you don’t need to push.

It’s hard to explain.

A lot of things are hard to explain. And you don’t have to, I reminded myself last night, my toes in the warm water, staring into the Hanalei Bay.

Everything I have done. Coming through my own difficulties and the raising of my two stunningly beautiful daughters… I did it. So much gorgeous, passionate, hard work.

Yes, on some level, I’m completely exhausted.
Wiping the sweat from my brow.

But now… What is now?
Tell me.
So much beauty.