What I traded for health

a transformation

The great news is this: after two months of getting back into my ultra-clean plant-based, gluten-free diet (which also includes a strict regime of ultra-clean supplements) I can report that I am feeling healthy and strong again.

In these past months, I have learned to rest. (An action I previously thought was for losers only.) Also, I am learning to stop striving so damn hard. That lesson has been served to me with a tinge of sentimentalism and pain.

I’ve had to lock eyes with a stark truth in my present life which is: when I strive for attention in this world, I crumble. Conversely, when I’m not spending time pushing to “be” or “do,”, I end up living this basically quiet life where there is no applause. No one on the sidelines all blown away by what I do. No one shocked and stunned by my talent or energy (parents excepted, of course.)

What I have instead are flowers and herbs and bluejays in the garden. Teens rushing in and out of the house. Dogs wanting a second walk. Baskets of produce from the farmers market. Time and space to really listen to clients. (After all, there is no me in the way.)

The abandonment of this “outward” driven part of me, it has been a conscious choice. The powers-that-be laid out that either I would continue striving and be sick OR go within and heal. I chose going within (shared partially in a poem here.)

On a physical level since I started to heal again through plants, symptoms such as daytime debilitating energy crashes and nighttime hot flashes have disappeared. I sleep well through the night and no longer suffer from the awful tension headaches I was experiencing. My digestion is “mwah” (kisses fingers and throws them in the air like a French person might when describing something exquisite.) I was also experiencing nerve pain that was very intense in my vagus nerve. It flared up the left side of my back something awful and even made it uncomfortable to swallow. Nerves heal slow. And yet in two months my vagus nerve has healed by perhaps 80% or more. On most days now, I’m pain-free. (I could live the rest of my life this way no problem, but I know it will continue to heal in full.)

It astounds me that various drugs, not diet, were the answers that I was given when I went to the doctor for my symptoms. (The nerve drug they offered me is actually addictive!) It makes me thrilled and thankful to my very core that I chose plants and my own education of clean supplementation.

What also has blown me away is that what brought me down in the first place is seemingly not hormone related. While I will reserve the possibility for a symptom coming up in the future, I can report that in the last month, I’ve actually had not one peri-menopause symptom.

One thing I now know for sure is this: our immune system is everything. I believe what brings us down is truly a low immune system caused from poor diet choices, fatigue/exhaustion and emotional stress. Also lack of exercise in the case of some people, while for others, too much exercise could also be damaging. Simply put: when we are in homeostasis, our immunity is strong, and we are strong. When our immunity is down, we are down and open to problems and symptoms.

Amassing this current understanding while healing has been a trade.

A trade.

I’ve traded my intense, striving artist self for health. When I’m driving alone in my car and listening to a song that I really love and certain historical feelings suddenly flood me… I might miss a certain part of myself- fiercely. I notice though, it’s a bit sentimental and romanticized. Almost the “what could have been” of it all. I realize then I’m taking myself down a dark road if I continue on thinking this way. Luckily, the drive always ends, I get out of the car, go on with my life and everything is fine. I’m fulfilled. I don’t need to be known for what I do. I just want to be healthy.

Perhaps one day the artist that I miss will find a way to reemerge in this new version of me. An artist who can create without an attachment. Best not to think about it too much though. It’s definitely not worth losing a good night’s sleep over.