Valentine's Day

a poem to my daughters

Valentine’s Day

A few days after I realized
I had been giving my love
to people who abused me
I went to a Tom Petty concert with a friend

The friend left mid-concert
(boy problems)
I was all alone
Petty was singing “Top of the World.”

We had seats in the nosebleeds
I wanted to go closer to the stage
The friend did not.
(But she was gone.)

It was a beautiful warm summer night at The Bowl
& for once in my life
I walked up
from the back.

I couldn’t help but notice
no one was hurting me
I was safe
with myself
no longer someone’s doormat
in exchange
for a warped illusion of love
the kind I tried so hard
to shove into a box
make it fit
it always popped back out
I shoved it again
it smacked me down.

You’re so interested in my past
let me tell you something about me:
When I was looking for love
because I needed it to feel whole
because I needed it to feel worthy
I never chose wisely.

I’m not sure
If you’re ready to hear this:
Love bubbles up from within you
it’s protective of you first.
Before it paves the way for anything else
it seeps into you
scrubs the walls & floors
of thirst and defeat

Let it.
As you walk yourself up from the back
to where you can hear the music
and sing
from the bottom of your heart
to the top of your lungs

You’ll never get away from this thing about life:
You absolutely must
Love yourself first.