The End of War

thoughts on mental health

One of my readers asked if I could share some thoughts on mental health since I speak to physical health so much of the time. This is a huge subject for me and I have definitely struggled with real mental health issues in my earlier years (teens through twenties.) I have no doubt that if then was now, I would have been diagnosed with extreme anxiety, OCD and even ADHD. Beyond that, mental health is something everyone can and should nurture. I work on it, always.

Here is a starting point on the subject, and what I can speak to easily today:

When I was in my late twenties, I was in a very dark space. I was an active singer-songwriter at the time and trying (and mostly failing) to book my own tours. While in an airport bookstore between flights one day, I came upon a book that changed my life. The book was called “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie.

Katie, as she is called, is now a well- known speaker and bestselling author but she was once a miserable human full of suffering and pain. Long story short, while in the depths of her suffering and wanting to end her own life, she suddenly (literally, suddenly) had an experience that fundamentally changed her. Some might call it an awakening: in one single moment Katie saw that her own thoughts were the cause of her suffering. Once realizing this, she then - over time- came to construct a way to “test” her painful thoughts - this simple process of questioning her painful thoughts became something she called “The Work.” The Work is now a line of inquiry that millions of people have used to bring themselves out of mental stress, anguish and suffering.

I sat on the plane and read Katie’s book in one sitting. A few days later, I did The Work on a stressful thought. It was then, for the first time ever, I felt real hope for myself, a possible end to my confusion and future happiness.

I will briefly and simplistically give you some overview / insight into how “The Work” works in very simple terms …but really, I suggest you check Katie out and download The Work if you have interest as my description will not be enough to get you the full deeper understanding. You need to try it for yourself!

The Work is simply about taking a stressful belief and questioning it. You question it with the purpose of seeing if the belief is actually true.

My most pervading stressful thoughts at the time stemmed from a painful relationship I was in with someone that continued to lie and cheat. I’ll call that person X. The thought I chose to do The Work on was “ X shouldn’t cheat on me.”

Part of The Work asks us to turn stressful thoughts or beliefs around and look at them from different perspectives in order to test if the original statement is accurate. One of the turnarounds for “X shouldn’t cheat on me.” is “X should cheat on me.”

Now of course, that’s an awful thing to hear. But when I really sat with that thought - it blew my mind. Katie reminds us that we are looking to align with reality. X should cheat on me. How do I know that’s true? Because that’s what X does. That’s reality. Katie says if you argue with reality, you’ll lose. But only 100% of the time.

Another turnaround for the stressful thought “X shouldn’t cheat on me” becomes "I shouldn’t cheat on X.”  That one was hard for me to sit with. But, when I sat with that thought for a bit, I saw truth in it. While I wasn’t cheating with X by being with someone else, I wasn’t being true to myself or him in the relationship. I was staying in the relationship when I knew it was not healthy for me. Thus, I was cheating us both by not being aligned with my real needs.

The last turnaround was what really got me. X shouldn’t cheat on me becomes I shouldn’t cheat on myself. I was choosing to be with X, even though he was cheating on me.  I was CHOOSING to be with someone that cheats. My choice. In that sense I was most definitely cheating myself of what I knew I deserved in a relationship. That statement was definitely as true, or truer than my original statement.

We could say that while in relationship with me, X was just being X. He was doing what he was truly great at: cheating. My expectation for him to be different is where the suffering came from because my expectation was simply not based in reality.

Katie says war takes two. When I  finally took myself out of the relationship with X, the war was instantly over. I was a free woman. Soon after I met my husband, an honest kind man.

I’ve shared all this because my ultimate take on mental health is that our thoughts make our world. It becomes more challenging for sure when there is something deeply painful involved such as the death of a loved one or a physically violent relationship. Ultimately though - we see ourselves and the world through our own thoughts. As far as mental health goes, it seems a worthy place to begin to start.

XO

C