The End of Chaos

what therapy and dog training have in common

My college girl is finished with Freshman year and home for the Summer. My high school girl just ended her junior year. Both kids finished strong, have summer jobs and are in good, happy places. That means a lot, as this past year wasn’t an easy one. Let’s just say these past nine months made me a much stronger parent and changed me fundamentally in many ways.

We had a big family hug in the kitchen yesterday, Father’s Day. I cried. (As did my older daughter - we are the criers of the family.) Feels like we are slowly emerging out of the other side of a bad storm. You are only as happy as your most unhappy child —when everyone is happy, mama is a bright shiny star.

Without telling anyone else’s story- how can I explain in a few words what brought us out of the tumult of the last 9 months? Therapy. A willingness to trudge. Learning to see the forest for the trees.

What I realized these past years - and especially the last difficult year- is that I crave order in my life. I had kind of gotten by without it for so long. I always admired people who had things in adult order. Envied them, even. It’s kind of hard to describe, but I had always felt a little haphazard or chaotic in my approach to life. I guess there is a beauty in chaos, to a point. Many creatives have an untamed feel to them (and on a core level I am more aligned with “creative” than anything else.) But a creative approach only gets you so far in life in my experience.

Years ago, when the kids were little, I thought I could put together an Ikea bookshelf without following the instructions. I finished putting it together, put all the books on, dusted off my hands, and stood back proudly to appreciate my good work. Late that night, there was a very loud crash.

Looking back, my constant “free” approach to things was likely tinted with some ADHD. After all, reading instructions takes a focused stillness. It’s why I could sew cool things, but never from a pattern, and sometimes the stitches came loose. I could go so far to say that “creativity” can provide a place to hide away from stillness.

~~~

So, we got this dog, right? We got him from a rescue when our other beloved 5 year old dog suddenly (and I mean suddenly) died of cancer. And during this time period, you see, we had other hard things going on. Our lives were a big mess. And in comes this young dog we adopted to quell the pain of our other dog’s death.

He was supposed to be easy. A problem-free dog. That’s what the rescue owner promised us. Short story: he was far from problem free. This dog had more issues than Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni. This dog had more issues than a Sunday Newspaper. This dog had more issues than…. well, you get it. When we called to complain about this “problem-free” dog the rescue said they could take him back…and put him down!

So here we were left with this dog running (and in some ways ruining) our lives. Although he never bit anyone or anything, he was aggressively reactive with other dogs and had a huge attachment disorder. After trying many things - including one hella expensive trainer that didn’t work- we contemplated putting him down (but only for one tiny second because that is an AWFUL thought!)

SO: today is the first day of hard-core training school for Koa - two weeks of all day intensive training at the most highly rated facility here in town- “any dog, any problem”. I’m not sure it’s quite military training, but it’s pretty close. Whatever it is, I say: Have at it boys! Try this kid on for size! (And for the price, I should be getting back a dog that makes my breakfast.)

See? Order. I need order in my life. I need all kids and dogs to act as they should. I need myself to act as I should! Not rigid and uncreative. No. Not in a way that is blocking all freedom. Just reading the instructions. Capiche? I just don’t want to be one of those people that apologizes for bad behavior.

One of the things I learned in family therapy this past year is that boundaries are essential. A child needs them, a mom needs them, a dad needs them, a sister needs them, a dog needs them. When we went in to the dog training facility last week to have Koa assessed, the head trainer told us we had a very unconfident dog. He’s not aggressive, he’s confused. That sounds familiar, I thought.

Life is confusing. Hard things happening in life make it all the more confusing. Here we have a dog that was found on the streets. He’s got some shit to work out.

The way I see it, human therapy and dog training both provide instructions on slowing down. Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees. This is most definitely what my dog needs help with, and it’s most definitely what my teens are learning, and it’s most definitely what I have devoted my life to learning. That ultimate reworking of ourselves into something more, free - actually. There is nothing worse than being a prisoner of your own chaos. Slow down, assess and start building with the instructions.

First, a solid framework.
Then, comes freedom.

(I’ll keep you posted on the dog.)