Running in the Dark

thoughts on new goals

Things were mellow enough in my life last weekend that I actually had time to look at myself for a moment and see what there was to see. On the outside I saw someone with very tight shoulders and a tight chest. However, I also saw that there was not presently any “crisis-energy” reverberating through my body. Simply said: hard things were feeling easier. And I was shocked to see that possibly, just maybe, I had an opportunity to focus on me.

That was when I decided, suddenly, and to my own wild apprehension and sheer terror, that maybe I would do a triathlon next year. Once I had the thought it was like being in a room full of people and blurting out something you immediately want to take back. But you can’t! It’s out there. By the way, the thought didn’t just appear in my head like a rabbit out of a magician’s hat. It had been put there by a headline I’d seen about an 80-year-old woman who had completed a triathlon. Well, if she can, I thought to myself.

I’ve hardly been on a bike since I was in Jr. High. I can swim well enough to get to the other side of a pool (hopefully.) As for running, I’ve never pushed myself to be a better runner and while I do usually run once or twice a week, it’s a short distance. Probably an ant covers more ground in a day than I do on one of my runs. Once I was going to run a 5k. Then I didn’t. That pretty much describes me as a runner.

As the thought crossed my mind that I might do a triathlon, I first thought of the costs associated. I’d need a bike, for one thing. And I’d need to join the gym to use the pool - no way in hell will I learn to be a better swimmer by starting out swimming in the ocean. In fact, the thought of having to swim in the ocean for the triathlon itself makes me sick to think about. I’m scared of deep water (even in a pool.) Also scared of sharks, cold water, and waves. This is going to be interesting, I told myself. It was then I decided: You can’t do this.

Then, I sat on the couch until I heard another voice. This one said: Don’t listen to her. She doesn’t know you.

I decided right then to go for a run and run longer and faster than I ever had! I did it in the heat of day. I went as fast as I could (which is slower than maybe 98% of all runners.). When I got back home I was breathing heavy and came to see I’d gone basically the same distance in the same time that I usually did.

I know how to make gains while running, but I don’t do those things. It’s like I think suddenly, magically, I will become a better runner by doing the same things that never propel me further. When you really want to learn and grow, you have to do what you haven’t done.

I know from my own experience with my weight training clients - they will not make gains until they break down their stubborn rigid ideas and let me get in there and do my job. In order to succeed, sometimes you have to get out of your own comfort zone.

So last night I told myself that I had to start running differently and in order to do that I needed to listen to the experts. I needed to slow down my speed and work on endurance. I needed to run slow enough to be able to feel like I could keep going past my normal burn out zone.

I set out running at 6:15 a.m. when the world was still dark. This was a first. I had never run so early. Immediately I loved it. The air was cool and fresh and the world was in shades of blue and gray. No cars. No people. No noise. I ran in my neighborhood streets reminding myself that I was not going to push. I tried to remember all the things I knew to do when running but often ignored. Short strides, relaxed hands. When I started out I felt that familiar tightness in my chest and upper back. Instead of trying to fight it, I allowed it to be there- I figured if I couldn’t run with some level of discomfort I wasn’t going to be able to run frequently. BUT YOU’RE DYING! A well-known voice within me exclaimed.

As I continued on for a while longer I realized that maybe for the first time ever I was actually running without pushing. I saw for once how people could actually enjoy running, the pain in my chest and shoulder blades melted away as my body got warmer. I was pain-free and enjoying my run. At one point I looked at my speed on my watch and almost got upset. Then I remembered, that wasn’t the point of my run, and it wouldn’t be the point of many of my upcoming runs as I started to build something I’d never athletically built before: endurance.

The idea of doing a triathlon SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I want to add so many disclaimers saying why I may not even do it. But I have 10 months to just continue on. To flounder around in the pool and piss off the expert swimmers - to bike slow enough to annoy any other surrounding bikers. 10 full months to endure myself, and my discrediting voices. And maybe, even, to ignore them.