Re-Wired

what happens when an adult changes her mind?

Years ago, I was healed by becoming a gluten-free plant-based vegan. That lifestyle cured my acid reflux, low energy, acne, digestion issues and a host of other things in my early 40’s. Because this diet worked for me, I stuck with it for 10 years.

Fast forward to 52 years old. I was exhausted and suffering underneath a long list of perimenopause symptoms. I tried acupuncture, chiropractic and massages. Nope. I tried more raw food. Nope. More cooked food. Nope. A vacation in Hawaii. Nope. Eventually I crumbled under the symptoms and had a breakdown. That was one year ago.

I crashed and burned not only physically, but emotionally as well. I didn’t know then what I know now — that during the “change of life,” hormones are so fiercely erratic that it creates literal chaos in the brain. The brain hates chaos and responds by short circuiting. That’s why brain fog, anxiety and depression are finally beginning to be acknowledged as symptoms of menopause (stress on the word beginning - much of medicine still has to catch up to this.)

I stayed in bed unless I had to work. If one of the kids came to me with any issue at all, I felt like the whole world was caving in. I had zero emotional padding. Zero stamina. I was completely raw, broken and lost on why what had once sustained me so beautifully for so long (being plant-based vegan) clearly now did not! My lifestyle was not supposed to fail me. I went so far as to think I was dying of some weird disease. After CT scans, x-rays and blood tests I was told I was fine and handed some anxiety medication (which I never picked up from the pharmacy.)

Several things eventually began to lift me out of that space. One of which was eating more protein. I had heard through various sources that women in the menopausal years had large protein requirements and I heard women themselves praising the changes that a protein-focused diet gave them.

Now, I will remind you that for the 10 years in which I didn’t eat animal protein, I thrived. But the whole point of today’s writing is to share the perspective that things change. Bodies change. Needs change. And the question then becomes, will we listen?

It’s known that repeated thoughts eventually become neural. In other words, they become wired into our own perceptions of who we are. So to make a change (e.g. to start eating meat after 10 years of not doing so) felt “wrong” to part of my brain, utterly unnatural, like writing with my non-dominant hand.

One day, I looked at a piece of chicken and said aloud: Sorry buddy, it’s either you or me. I really felt that way in my body. I felt an ancient survival instinct to eat meat that no modern ethical argument would stand up to. Even if I knew the argument held emotional weight inside me, it was nothing compared to survival. After all, I was a working mom with two teen daughters to parent. I was needed on the planet.

Here’s another thing that changed. I couldn’t drink alcohol anymore. Dang! I loved a lil’ shot of tequila! I never drank in excess but I loved the taste and how it took the edge off on a Friday. One day however, as I reached for a squeeze of lime, a tiny voice inside me whispered: That’s not gonna work here anymore. And so it was, I could not process alcohol as I once had. Bummer.

Another issue popped back up that I hadn’t experienced for 10 years: I couldn’t sleep well. A few years ago I heard someone talking on the radio about “Sleep Hygiene.” Sleep hygiene?! LAME! I thought. Fast forward to today and, uh, whoever that was on the radio that day, I’m sorry I made fun of you. Over the last year I’ve committed to many new sleep supporting habits such as no afternoon caffeine, early bedtime hour, and most recently- no screens right before bed (only book reading allowed!) I’m still working on my sleep hygiene as I find it’s a challenge and many things affect it. (But I don’t ever use the words “sleep hygiene” in public and neither should you, it’s ridiculous.)

I shared recently that I started hormone replacement therapy. I basically demanded it from an MD after reading up on how it was changing the lives of menopausal women. I had always been afraid of it, but researched more and found that all the cancer scares from 20 years ago had been de-bunked. This, and changing up my supplement program is indeed helping me. I find with the HRT that I don’t need as many supplements, or at least not regularly as I transition into more hormonal stability.

On the more emotional side of this change of life, it has became apparent that I can’t run myself ragged anymore. I used to superwoman my way through my life and thrived on people finding awe in all my many achievements. While I still have a busy work schedule, I’m learning to cut back when I need to and keep my weekends fully free for “me” time.

I have less to prove these days, and that’s about the best way to explain it. It seems simple enough but it’s been a HUGE journey for me to decide to let go. My historical past in the music business fed an impulse and invisible need to rise the top of everything, to be noticed and revered, even. These days I am learning instead to just be where I am, living quietly. Unnoticed, even. I pour energy into learning about the needs of this current version of myself — I don’t know her yet like I know the old me. She may want to wander in the garden, pick up a guitar, take a long walk or a run. She may want to sit and do (what seems like) nothing. I don’t tell her what to do - she suggests it quietly to me. She is wisdom.

It looks like this: I stop and make a protein shake. Drink it. Lie down. Close my eyes and do nothing for 10 minutes. Absolutely nothing is actually something. I’ve heard that before, after all- I’m a yoga teacher. But turns out, it’s not a concept I was wired to understand. Very few of us are. But we can learn about it I think, when we start to turn down all the noise.

It’s a process. But one concept I’m very familiar with is that if you set your mind to something, you can do it. To set your mind on changing your mind? Sure. Not following the voice of society, or the past, but the voice of where we are NOW in spite of those things. Not just for our survival, but for a deeper awareness, fulfillment and enjoyment of life.