How to Illuminate Yourself

a tiny primer in self-worth

I was 46 years old with two kids and still struggling to make my share of a comfortable joint-income with Brad when I had an idea.

I was already a yoga teacher, so it wasn’t a far stretch to think I could become a personal trainer. That said, it took a lot of learning and the passing of two certification exams ( I also became a specialist in Corrective Exercise.) It then took a few years working for a local gym, being the oldest but least experienced trainer there, getting paid crap and having to deal with authority figures (not my bag, baby.) Plus there was a dress code (really not my bag.) The good thing was I didn’t have to find clientele- they provided that to me. So,I hung in there until eventually, many clients later, I was somewhat shocked one day to realize I had become a dependable and seasoned personal trainer. I was heading towards my 50th birthday when I finally broke away and started up my own personal training and yoga business.

People have told me I’m “talented” my whole life, but I wonder if it isn’t just drive. Like that old adage “1% inspiration, 99% perspiration.” Yeah, I work my ass off. Always have. I’ve never sat around.

I was around 30 when it began to dawn on me that my music career would never sustain me. I kept at it though (and at it and at it) but sometimes all the drive in the world still leaves you with a flat tire. Sure, I experienced some musical success. I mean, all I have to do to give someone an idea of how far I got in the biz is to tell them Lindsey Buckingham did one of my songs, or I sang on a national commercial, or I toured in Japan with a hit single. But honestly- in MY mind, none of that matters because none of it sustained me.

What does anything matter if it doesn’t sustain you? A relationship, a career, a house; what good are those things if they aren’t dependable?

I’ll be 53 next week and for the first time in my life, I feel a tiny bit proud of myself. I’ve worked hard and built myself a business. And, somehow I still have some drive leftover to be creative and do something new and different! That’s why I started up this side-business with my husband a few weeks ago.

First, we made the products. (Sounds hard, but I had a decent amount of knowledge regarding essential oils.) Then, we built a website. (Sounds hard, but I have built many websites for my various projects over the years.) Finally, we started to sell the products. (Sounds hard, but Brad has been successfully selling his own photography for over 20 years and knew how to quickly get our products in front of a lot of people.)

Brad and I have a long past of putting ourselves out there. Often painfully. But years of struggle eventually serve. So, when we put forth this new business, we went from dreaming it up to selling the products in just two weeks.

I encourage my kids to get out there. For example, my older daughter who is currently in college is an incredible singer-songwriter in her own right. Get out on the street, open up your guitar case, and start singing, I tell her. See what happens. Let one thing lead to another. It doesn’t mean you choose it for a career (God, please no!) but you find more out about yourself and the world around you when you throw yourself out there. It’s a painful process sometimes. But more so, it’s full of illumination. There is no substitute for experience.

This is why kids are hard to raise, you know? They have no experience! What the hell do they know? They have nothing to draw on from the past. Experience is what makes us wise, pliable and able to draw boundaries. The more experience, the better.

Look. I have felt like a failure many, many times. Sometimes I still do. In fact, it only takes a minute of listening to an artist like Lizzy McAlpine before part of me wishes I had made it that far. The good ol’: Why didn’t I? Should I have done things differently? Those mental places are hell to hang out in, and they are USELESS. So I’ve learned over the years to not let myself hang out there for more than a minute. I keep going, moving beyond my miserable self-viewings, often against a hard wind.

So, Cory, (you’re thinking) what’s the purpose of this post?
Ok. On this December morning…when twinkly lights are abound, an old year is coming to a close and a new one on the horizon…let this post be a reminder to all that life is for living. (Like an old friend of mine once said, Don’t not do it!)

Life is for self-expression and guts and ripping out the seams and sewing them back however you want. Be willing to be embarrassed for gods sake! Shit man, I’ve been embarrassed more times than I could ever count. Be willing to be imperfect and have people wonder WTF you’re doing. Be willing to “fail”- so you can pick the pieces up and build something totally different (something you never thought you could or would build.) Be willing to start empty, seemingly alone and with nothing to show for yourself. Start something up when society says you’re too old (or young!) to be doing so! And please, do NOT give an iota of your mental energy to the one snarky person in sitting on the side lines who thinks you’re something you’re not! (They’re probably just jealous of you.)

Oh, and one more thing: eat well, exercise and get a good night’s sleep. How do expect to illuminate when you’re weak with low blood sugar?

I'm onto the next thing.
See you next week,
XO
C