Becoming

thoughts on going in for the kill

I have a way of expressing things these days that I’m not sure everyone will understand. That’s part of being brave, honest and also, importantly, not putting the focus on what other people will “think” of what I do (or don’t do.)

Something happened to me a few weeks ago which I kind of talked about a bit here.
Kind of an invitation to abandon the person I thought I was, and search out the person I really am.

Through movement and art I’ve decided, ultimately, that I’m not going to try and fit into a box. I don’t want to try and fit into the constraints of what society assumes I’ll be at this time in my life. Notice I used the word “assume” and not “expect.” Society doesn’t “expect” anything of me - that gives it too much power. It assumes what I will do. It’s passive. Society actually doesn’t really care. Except when we break some sort of boundary like…being able to stand on my hands at 54 years old. That’s not unheard of, but it’s not common either. So people are kind of surprised and tell me WOW, I wish I could do that. And what I say to them is: You could (train up to it.) You chose not to.

I was always ashamed of myself in some way. That’s what last week’s post was about, for those of you who maybe found it to be a little dark or weird. All it was about was shedding out of dead skin. Becoming the person I want to be- even if I have to walk upstream to do it. And, I already am that person. I am uncovering her.

I tried a backbend the other day when all the voices in my head said I couldn’t — mild scoliosis for one thing, but also just memories of all the people in my yoga classes in my 20’s who could do it so easily, and I had to work for it. Man, the things we do to ourselves, right?

The other day Brad asked me if anyone around me even knew that years ago Lindsey Buckingham redid one of my songs and put it on several albums of his. Plus it was in a major motion picture — “Elizabethtown” directed by Cameron Crowe. Throughout the years, you’ve done what 99% of songwriters have never been able to do, he said. I never gave myself credit for the Lindsey song because there was so much other shit swirled around it. I always saw what didn’t happen, not what did. I blew what “didn’t happen” into my story. I lived hard from that story.

Perspective, right?

Going in for the kill means living unabashedly. Getting in touch with all aspects of one’s self, for once and for all without preconceived limitations.

Allowing all aspects of ourselves, going in for the kill, going all the way….these are all central themes to my new album. Not doing it for someone else- even though that piece often takes the most work. But really it’s not for a reason beyond gaining your own long-awaited respect.

Every time I put myself out there, I struggle. It’s a sit down conversation with myself. But it’s getting easier each time. Do what you want to do, I tell myself. Seriously though, just f-ing do it already.

xo

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