Here we have me practicing yoga balances -for the 32nd year of doing so. Also, working on the aspects and heavy demands of the front walkover I plan to pull off one day.

And, an amazing drink from the lovely eve of my 22nd anniversary of being married to Brad. I’m a lightweight and was drunk for several days after this one delicious drink.

We are starting to have players come in to the studio put down parts for the album. (In this pic keys are being played by the lovely Max Bergmanis who came up from LA.) It’s coming along. I’m 11 songs deep with writing and maybe one more to go. About half of the songs are expressions from the powerful and often tulmulteous experiences from the last few years. Some songs are written from my viewpoint, some I wrote from the viewpoint of my younger daughter. Other songs touch upon my personal life experience at this point- maybe best described as midlife reawakening. I know I likely won’t always feel as alive and able as I feel right now…but I might make it my life’s work to try.

Also- an image of Wild Bergamot from my garden which I planted for the bees and butterflies. The garden is slowly morphing from Summer to Fall. (I hate Fall, truth be known. I hate pumpkins and sweaters and if you love those things, no need to share.) We had some food from our garden this Summer, and some problems as well. Still could not fully beat the rats when it came to the tomatoes. ‘Bout a 50/50 split….eh..maybe 60/40, their favor. It wasn’t an amazing garden in terms of bounty, but it certainly wasn’t bad either. Still eating from it: basil, herbs, zucchinis, the occasional carrot and cucumber….

Currently I am experiencing two things: I feel a lot of power at this point in my life, like I’m a tidal wave that no one can stop. Unfortunately I also feel a lot of voices that tell me I'm just a tiny little puddle and will always be. The puddle voice is pretty convincing as it uses past and current imagery from my life to prove its point. The good news is, I tend to lean into the voice of the tidal wave these days. I don’t really have time for the puddle voice, even if it’s right, I’d rather be tidal.

The first single off the album “Healer” will be released early this Fall. I’m excited! For those of you who live locally, I’ll be playing set at Roy in SB on Thursday October 1 with some friends who have a weekly songwriters night. Save the date, come down, get some dinner and/or drinks and hear some of my new songs played live just as I wrote them (sitting on my bed with my guitar.) Also- if you are not yet following me on Insta, please do to see videos of the music being created and plenty of arm balances.

xoxo

I have a way of expressing things these days that I’m not sure everyone will understand. That’s part of being brave, honest and also, importantly, not putting the focus on what other people will “think” of what I do (or don’t do.)

Something happened to me a few weeks ago which I kind of talked about a bit here.
Kind of an invitation to abandon the person I thought I was, and search out the person I really am.

Through movement and art I’ve decided, ultimately, that I’m not going to try and fit into a box. I don’t want to try and fit into the constraints of what society assumes I’ll be at this time in my life. Notice I used the word “assume” and not “expect.” Society doesn’t “expect” anything of me - that gives it too much power. It assumes what I will do. It’s passive. Society actually doesn’t really care. Except when we break some sort of boundary like…being able to stand on my hands at 54 years old. That’s not unheard of, but it’s not common either. So people are kind of surprised and tell me WOW, I wish I could do that. And what I say to them is: You could (train up to it.) You chose not to.

I was always ashamed of myself in some way. That’s what last week’s post was about, for those of you who maybe found it to be a little dark or weird. All it was about was shedding out of dead skin. Becoming the person I want to be- even if I have to walk upstream to do it. And, I already am that person. I am uncovering her.

I tried a backbend the other day when all the voices in my head said I couldn’t — mild scoliosis for one thing, but also just memories of all the people in my yoga classes in my 20’s who could do it so easily, and I had to work for it. Man, the things we do to ourselves, right?

The other day Brad asked me if anyone around me even knew that years ago Lindsey Buckingham redid one of my songs and put it on several albums of his. Plus it was in a major motion picture — “Elizabethtown” directed by Cameron Crowe. Throughout the years, you’ve done what 99% of songwriters have never been able to do, he said. I never gave myself credit for the Lindsey song because there was so much other shit swirled around it. I always saw what didn’t happen, not what did. I blew what “didn’t happen” into my story. I lived hard from that story.

Perspective, right?

Going in for the kill means living unabashedly. Getting in touch with all aspects of one’s self, for once and for all without preconceived limitations.

Allowing all aspects of ourselves, going in for the kill, going all the way….these are all central themes to my new album. Not doing it for someone else- even though that piece often takes the most work. But really it’s not for a reason beyond gaining your own long-awaited respect.

Every time I put myself out there, I struggle. It’s a sit down conversation with myself. But it’s getting easier each time. Do what you want to do, I tell myself. Seriously though, just f-ing do it already.

xo

Please make sure you are connected to me on Instagram where I share frequent live moments of my music and more….

This morning I thought this -
finding myself in old patterns
is like coming across a dead body.
I want to run from it, block it out it or bury it.
It smells, I’m tired of looking at it.

But also
somewhere inside me
I must think
it serves me.
(After all,
here it still is.)
It’s almost as if I push hard enough
in just the right way
with just the right force
at just the right time
in just the right place….
the dead body
and everything it stands for
will make me so powerful
I will finally be able to have it all!
Exactly what I want and deserve!

Then I kind of decide
No. That won’t work.
So I drag the dead body out of the house.

But, it’s not that easy
because
I turn back around and there it is!
right where it had been.

Today, instead
I ask this:
why is there a dead body
in my space?

If I allow the stench and the ugly
If don’t try and outwit it
become it
or throw it out
If I don’t let it chase me around
like a zombie
If I simply
dive right into it
with an uncontrolled mind
and ask of myself this:

What did I learn along the way
that made me think
my life somehow
depends on this thing.

It’s not always easy to express a self, a process, an experience with no holds barred. The reason is- we (most of us) have a need buried to quietly and even unconsciously control the way the expression is received by others. But, that’s not the purpose of art. The purpose of art is not to attract others but to unfurl one’s inspiration. To continue to get up again and create against all odds (or evens) is art. Is process. Is truth.

Here are some of my inspirations.

1. This was gifted to me by artist Ewan Richards. It’s a portrait of me as “Mermaid” (a song off my 2002 album “Sincerely.”) Every time I look at it I am reminded of the direction and power I have within myself to stay on target with the creation of my new album.

2. I really resonated with this, as life is 99% process and 1% result. While that 1% is important, If you can’t merge with, own, and live the process for the process, there’s not much reason to continue.

3. A photo of Olivia taken by Beckett. Olivia’s story and its impact on my life is the main inspiration of this album and there is so much inspiration, so many layers and realities and stories to pull from. The song I share a snippet of below was written from what I perceive to be her perspective in the beginning of her recovery from some very scary and dark places. (All songs, words and photos I share about Olivia and her story are 100% cleared by her for me to share!)

4. Nature inspires me everyday and the imagery in my songs is often rooted in the natural world.

5. An integral and reoccurring cog that spins in my process.

6. I love this image I pulled from the very beginning of a workout video I put up last weekend. By then I’m normally exhausted from work, family life and now add the intensity of creating an album. I often talk about working out even when you don’t feel like it. I mean, I would say about 90% of the time I don’t want to workout and this reality was fully and honestly expressed in this “off camera” moment before I started jump-roping. This image somehow mirrors the aspect of the rawness I am currently working on sharing through my music.
   

   ……Below is a snippet from my newest song “Room.” For more video snips of new songs: follow me on IG.

I had a breakdown over the weekend. It was about something that seems so silly and pretty embarrassing to admit but- I’m going to talk about it because I’ve experienced it for as long as I’ve been doing my music- over 30 years. Here’s the trauma: I have never been able to decide how or how much I should share about my music with the public. And in the last 18 years or so, because of social media, this reality of “sharing” got so overwhelmingly difficult for me that for periods of years I stopped presenting as a singer-songwriter. I didn’t only stop, I put my guitar under the bed and tried to scrub myself clean of what felt like a dirty image.

I don’t know if it’s because my music is so integral to me and close to my heart but the assumed risk of sharing it of it has always been excruciating for me- even though I’ve done it for the better part of my life.

I was just 18 when I released my first album. Santa Barbara at that time was an insane hot spot for the music industry and I quickly got snapped up in a whirlwind of “next big thing.” At a young age I had a publishing deal with a prominent company, and eventually a record deal. There was a lot of pressure on me to get the right producer and right sound to compete with the female artists that were popular at the time. We didn’t have a strong leading force on my team. It was kind of a circus actually, and I certainly didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Ultimately the record company folded halfway through my album being recorded, and the publishing company dropped me the next day. I was in shock. I decided to put out another album back home with my old gang. That album, “Orbiter,” got critical acclaim… but I was definitely still an itty bitty indie artist.

Overall, I ended up doing ok in the business, I mean, I had successes which were bigger comparative to most singer-songwriters. But somehow it was never enough and the feeling of struggle and failure never shook out of me. In fact, I allowed these feelings to fully identify me when really all it had been was some temporary bad luck and timing. Happens much more often than not in the music industry and makes perfect logical sense, but I couldn’t process it in a logical way. I took it personally and that feeling and experience of not being good enough formed the roots of the sharing of my music. Not the creation of my music, thank goodness, but the sharing.

The voice of hesitancy in my head when I go to share my songs, it deserves a name. It reminds me of the“Debbie Downer” character from Saturday Night Live. It’s like no matter what I do in those moments of deciding what to share musically, it’s never going to be right: too short of a clip, too long of a clip, not the right song to present at that time, not the right way to describe what I’m sharing, the fear that the song will be misunderstood. A common thought is: In my heart, I know the songs are good…but what will the world think? That little thought right there is all I need to stop me in my tracks. If for a moment I start to question a thought like this, the voice of the thought gets loud and deems itself imperative for guiding me and reminds me that free thinking will only result in failure. Holy Crap! That sounds like a cult! (Or maybe more like the Wizard of Oz.)

Yesterday, while uploading a snippet of a new song to Instagram and in my usual mental war of indecisiveness, the thought passed by that it would be really nice if I could get to a place where I could simply share as much or as little as I want without “the voice” haunting me. The freedom to just share whatever I wanted, when I wanted…with no critical voice screaming. It was a delicious thought that passed through my mind. It had the scent of freedom. It felt like air. And in that moment I could feel a separation. Kind of like a fish popping its head out of the ocean for the first time.

A little later in the day as I was scrolling Instagram, a spiritual guy came into my feed and he said: All you have is your mind, it’s all you’ve ever had. He said it with such a beautiful calm voice, it absolutely broke me. Something clicked in my brain again. He went on to talk about how when we spend our lives second-guessing ourselves we miss out on the present moment. This wasn’t news to me, but by the same token, it was not realized.

So here we are. Me, with the realization of: I can’t live like this anymore. The striving. The boxing up. The impossible rules and regulations. The needs and the desperation. It’s so fucking painful and I’m so so so tired of it. It’s only in this one aspect of my life- the music. But it may well be the aspect of myself that is most dear to me. It’s like how a drunk abuses the person they love most. I want to be free of my abuser. I want out of the cult. And, by the way, it is not lost on me that my songs (always, but especially on this upcoming album) are about having the courage to do exactly what I’m talking about. In fact, It’s all I’ve ever written about.

I’m asking something very big of myself…I know, because the world ultimately does not operate in this way. On the outside the world operates and controls through fear. It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

So, what happens when I disinvite the excruciating voices of striving and expectation? Even the super sneaky ones? What happens when I’m diligent? What’s on the other side and what will I be left with? All I know is this, I’m going to find out.

xoxo

I think one problem with social media is that often we are presenting something that is not in full alignment with who were are. Rather, it is a projection of who or what we think others would relate best to, or an aspect of ourselves we wish was more real. The more I reach out into the realms of songwriting, social media and life in general, the more raw and transparent I want to be.

~~~

My younger daughter inspired me to start writing songs again. She did so by proxy - her life experience reverberated through my own and brought me to places I never thought I would go. It took about 18 months for me to be able to start to process what we went through - I did so through songwriting. Once I realized I was going to write again, I ran to my guitar and “threw up” 4 songs in the space of a month.

Now I am recording those songs and continuing to write and …I want to share the process, not just the results. I don’t know quite what that will look like or how what I share will translate… it seems important to me that I share it anyway.

I started yesterday by videoing my older daughter Chloe and myself coming up with some background vocals for one of the songs. It was so raw and personal that I was nervous to share it, but I bit the bullet, cut up some quick edits and posted it on my Instagram.

Once again, my life is floating into a direction I didn’t quite plan for. I always think I’m done with the music…but then it’s not done with me. It’s just what it is.
And…anyway, what do I have to lose? What do any of us have to lose by sharing authentically who we are?

xoxo

A while back I wrote a poem about living in the mountains, which I did for about 5 years in my early twenties. It was life-opening. I got to connect with the essential part of myself that understands. Surrounded by hawks, rocks and tall grass I could look down and across the ginormous (it’s a word) ocean wrapping around the coastline. All the Channel Islands stark and clear, or buried in fog.

One day, I scattered cosmos seeds right outside the back door, at the literal edge of the mountain. Quickly, the flowers grew taller than me. I still have never seen cosmos grow that tall. They knew and I knew this was fertile land in more ways than one.

It was super quiet. Just birds, grass rustling. No trucks could make it up there for trash pick up. We drove our trash down. We pumped water from a big tank that sat on a neighbors property and he sent us a bill every month. Sometimes the pump broke and there was no water for a few days. Plenty of times the driveway to our house washed out in the rain and we had to walk groceries up in the mud, slipping and sliding. Even on a dry day, friends were scared to drive up the unpaved road filled with holes and rocks. They’d park below and hike in.

It wasn’t for everyone, but it was for me. I wrote an album of songs up there (Orbiter) that spoke to space, stars, dragonflies and the practice of inner alignment in a difficult world.

I recently picked up a copy of “The Essential Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson.” In witnessing nature he wrote: I am not alone and unacknowledged. Exactly. A powerful insight for a world in which so many of us feel alone, dejected or misunderstood.

And then it so happened last week my mom handed me a copy of Joseph Campbell’s “On the Hero’s Journey.” The combination of Emerson and Campbell may be all one needs to align. Campbell offers that conformity for the sake of conformity robs not only you of your unique talents and purpose, but robs the world of your talents as well. Once again, my thoughts exactly.

It’s the issue I have with various aspects of education, the medical world, the mental health world, even including psychotherapy at times (gasp!) Not everything can be so streamlined, boxed up and doled out. Not everyone is wired to respond to common methods of education, excavation and illumination.

I think, more often than not, what we seek to find is what we already know to be true. We just want someone else to hold the flashlight, to agree with our reactions, to allow us an opportunity. Nothing wrong with that but also…

…it’s ok to stand away from the pack and be lonely for a bit. You give yourself the courage and permission. Have some blind faith. Adjust into the trees or the music. One foot after the other. You need courage until understanding blooms from your braveness. Once you get it, you get it. Then you can help others.

What’s amazing is that the reminders, the treasure map to get there, it’s everywhere. Like Special Agent Fox Mulder said in that TV show “The X Files,”… the truth is out there.

Not everyday will be a “good” day. But that hard day is part of the puzzle, part of the pyramid. It’s a brick-by-brick situation. We use the vantage points from those hard days while remembering that often the best art comes from the raw experience of seek and struggle.

Up the mountain into the tall grass. There are definitely endless options for cracking yourself open and aligning yourself with the truth of the matter. Simple things…a used bookstore, a walk, a pen and paper for instance…

xoxo

Remember the Indigo Girls? How about this line: “The less I seek my soul for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.”

The thing about having teenage children is eventually, they are not teenagers anymore. The rise just above it, to twenty…and you can start to see a pale formation of how they will be as adults- balancing in the world.

My older daughter is heading out to Europe with her wonderful boyfriend. A whole world in front of her. She’s an explorer at heart, a helper and appreciator of what she finds as she begins to walk through this world.

My younger daughter just turned 18. Her path has been incredibly intense and what we have learned about ourselves as a family, human resilience and love these past few years has been an incredible journey.

Sometimes I think I will write a book about the last few years. But I ended up, as I shared with you last week, writing songs again. Songs are and have always been what my mind, body and heart endure as they are extracted from me. They save me, yes. They also exhaust me.

It’s a beautiful process and a difficult process. For me at least, it really is like childbirth. With each song, often I feel it coming and have to grab my guitar as soon as possible and let it come. Sometimes it’s a blur- all the lyrics literally falling out and the chords there to catch them. Like my second daughter who flew out after an hour of labor, it was ultra-intense and awesome. Sometimes, it’s a harder process…. if we are using the birth metaphor we could say sometimes songwriting is “long labor.” Weeks going by and the lyrics aren’t right yet. But that wasn’t these songs.

This new batch has been fast in terms of the actual writing. But what I was left with when the songs were finished felt emotionally exhausting. When playing them for my family, I would start crying. And every member of my family cried - including my younger daughter, who they are mostly inspired from. At her 18th birthday a few weeks ago we were championing all she has come through and also- honoring how challenging it has been. I told her…on the bright side, you gave me something to write about again. And …again, everybody cried. I can’t imagine what the tables next to us thought.

Where there is pain, there is often a strange sort of beauty. And alongside that, an opportunity for huge and stunning transformation. Awe-inspiring transformation, in fact. The harder the road, the richer the opportunity. And that is where art always seems to step in. Are you ready? That is what art asks me when it sees that I am just barely able to shed a little perspective.

Yeah. There’s been some tears around here lately. Good tears. Tears of relief and also tears of exhaustion. Like being in the last stages of a marathon. You’re almost there, you know you are going to finish. But you’re still running. That’s where we are.

So here I am with these songs and of course then I need to record them. And I want to do it in a way that I’ve never done it before. That would be, say….without panic. I (try and) remain calm in the studio. Let the recordings form themselves, in a way. I want to honor the songs themselves- not concerned with how they should be packaged in order to…say, get played on TV (which I did for many years.) Recording them so the expectation is that the songs will reflect themselves and my experiences perfectly. That is what these songs deserve.

And so, back to that quote I mentioned at the top of this post. “The less I seek my soul for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.” How does that tie in here? This line could mean something different to everyone, but for me it means: everything is just a process. I don’t always need to know or understand where I am, how I got here, what’s next. (I’m not sure I ever need to know.) What our family has been through turns out to be in the name of love. However, it’s still evolving, people are still growing and learning. I know I am.

Maybe the marathon is never really over. It’s just that you allow yourself to sit on the sidelines now and then and have some water and a hug. Yesterday I tried so hard not to have an intense day- but I had just written that 4th song and I loved it so much…I was so thankful….but I was so compeltely exhausted emotionally. The birth itself was easy, but here I was with this very real and powerful representation of myself and my experience. I didn’t know what to do with it. I was overwhelmed. By the end of the day I was kind of sniffling-crying as I was making dinner. My older daughter called me to the couch where she was finishing up her Europe reservations. She put her arms around me and said: It’s ok mama. You’re just tired.

xo
C

My life is so full with work, parenting, house-keeping and garden …it’s bursting at the seams. Hard to believe that once, long ago, I was confused and lost at where to go and what to do.

Each photo today shows a little snapshot of my current life.

Photo 1. Here I am balancing on a ball in a side plank. If you’ve ever checked out my Instagram, you know that I’m a sucker for arm balance. I often wonder how much longer I’ll be able to do these balancing antics. And then I remember, why not into my 90’s? Reminds me of a story my daughter told me yesterday about a woman who recently won an ultra marathon. Like 300 miles or something like that. As she was running she kept thinking to herself: Why not me?

Photo 2. And moving on to my backyard. Spring feels weird. Like everything came out too fast. This huge tree that shades our yard from across the fence never seemed to get “spring green” leaves-and already they seem to be turning a fall like color. I try not to think about it too much.

Photo 3. A bluejay and her mate always come to my studio door looking for peanut handouts. Sometimes they stand at the door like they are clients waiting to come in and workout. All my clients know the jay couple and that I’ll pause a session to throw a peanut. So what happened was, the couple had kids. Three of them in fact, in a brilliantly constructed nest in our lemon tree. I was instantly concerned about the baby Jays and kept our bedroom door open at night so we could hear any predators in the tree. I really worried about this and that - such as: was the mom feeding the babies enough and was there enough room in the nest for all three babies as they grew. Then the other day when I was in the garden, the mom came along and was kind of hopping around here and snapping up bugs and things. Soon enough, she jumped up on a chair nearby and I had this odd feeling that she was communicating with me - mind to mind. What she said to me was this: “Hey weirdo: stop worrying about the babies. Birds are descendants from dinosaurs - there’s good reason we’ve survived for 150 million years. I would say I kind of know what I’m doing, okay? I appreciate the peanuts and the assistance on the lookout for predators, but don’t worry so much.
Message received.

Photo 4. I love my garden and because I don’t have a drip system, it keeps me out there watering and checking in nearly every day. I am looking forward to (hopefully) seeing results in cucumbers, tomatoes, and maybe even melons. Lots of other stuff growing too- too much to list. The trick is, to keep critters from taking free handouts!.

Photo 5. Lastly… here’s something cool- after several long years away from my beautiful guitar and wondering if I would ever write again, I got on an unexpected writing spree about a month ago, several songs poured out and I started up the studio again last week. I always think I’ll never write again, and then I always do. I’m really excited about these songs because they came like a tidal wave- absorbing a lot of my experience of the last two years which have been, quite frankly, a little challenging.

With the birth of these new songs I could feel difficulty blooming into something useful. I was reminded of the power of art and its role as transmuter. These songs are already shifting energy in my life. I am very thankful and excited to, when the time comes, share these songs with you. If you happened to ask me what’s been up in my life the last years- I likely won’t share - as I’ve mentioned here several times, it’s not all my story to tell. However the songs will do a good job of sharing more. You’ll have to stay tuned.

In closing, I think about again how this Substack space - which was supposed to once be more instructional has instead become a place of refuge for me where I can share aspects of my journey. Thanks for being here. We’ll see what comes around the bend.

XO

Consider this for a moment:
you don’t know better.

I’m speaking to myself of course
with my hands in the garden
surrounded by the buzzing & whirring

It’s a delicate walk to find what’s right
it’s hard at first
because you have to remove the benchmarks
+ every form of measure
by which you could
file something neatly away in a box
by which you could
achieve that temporary sense of peace.

I’m looking for lasting peace.

Life will let you know
but it’s a very quiet murmur
If you want to hear it
I think you must be willing
first
to set your ideas
out to sea.

See what happens
when it’s not all tied up with a bow
when the waves can be waves
and you are no longer captain.

I wanted to homestead. I wanted a farm - a goat farm maybe. Or a cow or two. It came about suddenly - as soon as I had babies. We moved to a kind of countryish town and I got chickens and ducks. I started sewing. I started shopping secondhand. The funny thing about this shift I went through- it wasn’t a phase. It wasn’t a thing just because the kids were little. It fit along with the aspect of me that always had a garden. The same part of me that didn’t fit in a world full of gel nails and blowdried hair found a home in the straw and the dirt.

Occasionally I find myself wishing I was a gel nail kind of girl. I’d love to be tidy and put together. But I’ve never been that person. My hands are busy in the weeds (and more occasionally, the fretboard of a guitar.) I’m the kind of girl that stands on her hands. These hands are never bored.

Anyway- we had chickens for about 13 years, then we didn’t have chickens anymore. I swore I’d never get them again. Reason was, when we moved back to town, we didn’t have a good chicken coop. No one wants to be out in the coop at 2 a.m. screaming at raccoons to get off the birds. They bit my ducks in the neck. No idea why. I was able to nurse the ducks back to health- but boy, I was tried of chickens and ducks. Tired of fixing the coop, and farm mess. I was tired but Brad was emphatic, line drawn: never another f-ing chicken.

That’s why when I put in my new garden, I told Brad I needed a coop that was critter-proof. Seriously Fort Knox. He wasn’t happy about it- who would be? I tried to build it myself knowing I would fail and he would feel pressed to step in. It’s the age old story of the wife who wants and the husband that provides in order to shut her up.

The last few weekends, I’ve been in the garden all day. Determined to start most things from seed, I’ve been happy to outwit the sparrows when it came to my lettuce seeds. I’ve also been irritated the onions and carrot seeds are taking so long. I’ve lifted so many huge bags of soil that at the end of one afternoon I was practically crying - my arms had literally given up. Let’s goooo arms! I yelled. Arms were not having it. I went inside and scared myself in the mirror - twigs in my hair and sweaty dirt streaks down my face. I know that look, I thought. That’s my farm girl look. It’s not pretty like the movies make it out to be.

So that’s where I’ve been. Hellbent on the garden. A tiny farm. Seeds and water. Dirt and compost. Sun. Just me, the dogs and my three teenage chickens (just what I need, more teens.)

I don’t like instructions. I want to do it myself. I’ll do it alone and I certainly won’t mind (after all, I’m an only child.) Except for Brad. It’s never done without you. Thank you sweetie for the coop. XO

When I first started writing this Substack, I had a purpose for it. I had a plan. I had big plans even, in my head. In my head where all thoughts reside and are sometimes proved wrong. I thought this blog-ish thing would be more… educational. Part of my business, in a way. I was going to have a Podcast, a weekly online yoga class, strength training tutorials, health eating inspiration. And I (kind of) did all that- at the beginning.

But, something happened along the way. This writing place ended up being much more personal. I needed to have a place where I didn’t have to be someone who had something to offer. I could just freely come from the place in me that wrote songs.

So, pretty quickly, I realized this blog was not a place for me to seek followers, even though that seems the purpose of a Substack, in great part. The act of seeking followers, attention, business….well, it didn’t align with me. It kind of wasn’t even up to me. The energy was simply not there. Now, you can force energy- can you not? Sure. People do all the time.

I didn’t want to. Maybe because I have plenty of other stuff on my plate. I didn’t want to fight with myself on what this blog could or should be.
I didn’t want to waste time discussing.

Let go or be dragged (by your thoughts.)
I let go.

Because:
You have to learn when to let go, and when to hold on.
That’s the work of life.
I keep thinking about that Kenny Rogers song
You got to know when to hold ‘em
know when to fold ‘em.

You know, I planted a big garden in the midst of a crazy life. I wasn’t going to say no to that because I couldn’t. The energy picked me up and took me.
I had some people unfollow me when they saw what this writing space had turned into. They didn’t get what they signed up for. Absolutely. Totally fair.

It is what it is. It’s a balance.
It’s worth thinking about.
Why are you doing what you’re doing?
What’s your purpose?
Are you going with the flow?
Going with the flow doesn’t mean it’s super easy.
(At least not to me.)
Rather, going with the flow
is nonjudgmentally (let’s say it’s a word)
following your heart of hearts.
It’s very different than giving up.
It’s not even in the same family as giving up.
That’s what I came to.

Valentine’s Day

A few days after I realized
I had been giving my love
to people who abused me
I went to a Tom Petty concert with a friend

The friend left mid-concert
(boy problems)
I was all alone
Petty was singing “Top of the World.”

We had seats in the nosebleeds
I wanted to go closer to the stage
The friend did not.
(But she was gone.)

It was a beautiful warm summer night at The Bowl
& for once in my life
I walked up
from the back.

I couldn’t help but notice
no one was hurting me
I was safe
with myself
no longer someone’s doormat
in exchange
for a warped illusion of love
the kind I tried so hard
to shove into a box
make it fit
it always popped back out
I shoved it again
it smacked me down.

You’re so interested in my past
let me tell you something about me:
When I was looking for love
because I needed it to feel whole
because I needed it to feel worthy
I never chose wisely.

I’m not sure
If you’re ready to hear this:
Love bubbles up from within you
it’s protective of you first.
Before it paves the way for anything else
it seeps into you
scrubs the walls & floors
of thirst and defeat

Let it.
As you walk yourself up from the back
to where you can hear the music
and sing
from the bottom of your heart
to the top of your lungs

You’ll never get away from this thing about life:
You absolutely must
Love yourself first.

My mom has always had a garden and I don’t think I’ve ever thanked her for that. Because of her, and my memories of her hands in the dirt planting tomatoes, I’ve always had a garden, myself. At around 21 years old I had my first very own veggie garden in a little run down rental. It was literally just a postage stamp of dirt but I grew a lot, including some delicious green beans. Then- when I lived up on the mountain a few years later (which I spoke about last post) I had a huge veggie garden. Different gardens followed throughout the different houses I lived in. But always, always- a garden.

The growing space I’ve had for the last nearly 15 years has been awesome, we are lucky to have a spacious backyard. Only thing is, every few years, we have rats come visit and eat my tomatoes. Recently, I was able to update my garden area with three new box additions and pea gravel. This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but to me it’s life-changing. My updated garden space has enabled me to set up for success and (hopefully) grow a lot more food than I was able to before. I have plans, should rats dare to step foot near my garden this year and I’ve already done a great job keeping the birds away from my lettuce seeds. I decided to mostly grow from seed- since it’s early in the year and there’s plenty of time. I plan to grow the biggest garden I can, with lots of food and herbs. I’ll keep you posted.

I’ve also gotten into baking bread, which I have always done from time to time. This time however, I made my own sourdough starter. Did you know making your own starter takes 5 days? It’s like taking care of a kid. I guess that’s what gardening is like, too - raising babies. Creating sourdough starter is kind of like taking care of a kid, but actually not really, because kids - for reasons beyond our comprehension- put folded clean clothes in the dirty hamper. They also rarely clean up the bathroom. My sourdough starter would never do such things.

That’s why I like to bake and garden. You get to create, in the quiet. I’ve always liked the quiet aspect of gardening. But at this time of my life, it’s more than appreciated, it’s needed.

(The recipes I’m using for baking currently are gluten-free and from this book. It’s a beautiful book. This lady’s kind of a genius baker. I recommend it.)

Then there’s Marv. Marv and Amma both like to garden with me. Marv likes to eat dirt clods and wood chips while Amma just kind of stands around and looks at me as if she’s asking- should he be doing that? Then they both go in and nap, as you can see.

Sometimes I think that as long as I have a few dogs and a place to garden, I’ll really always be content.

There was a time when I wanted to be famous.
Then. I had a hit single in Japan
went there to tour
and walking down some street in Tokyo
I was recognized
(he asked for my autograph.)
I was famous for a minute. I knew a few famous people for a minute.
It was cool. But.
Something felt weird.
I didn’t know how to be myself.
I tried. And…
I just didn’t know how to dress the part or talk to executives.
I wanted to be famous!
but
I ached
to get home
to the mountain I was living on
where I grew a big garden.

On the mountain
we weren’t on city water lines
we had no trash service
we had mountain lion tracks in our dirt driveway.
I liked all that.
I was always more that.

I understood:
hawks, road runners, trees.
sky, sage, rock.
dirty jeans.
no shoes.
I saw the curve of the earth from way up there.
(no words can describe.)

Anyway. Fast forward to now.
30 years gone by.
Using my hands to
get the garden growing
watching
those tiny birds
in the lemon tree.

I’m so relieved 2025 is in the rearview. Though I will say, the very end of it almost made it all the year’s difficulty worth it. We had a great holiday break as a family — I’ve shared some photos here. Everyone was happy and nearly every day was full of life and creativity.

My older daughter asked me what my word was for 2026. I didn’t need to think about it for more than a second: Create.

Last year was about the furthest I’ve ever gotten from my creative self. And that really weighed on the difficulty of the year. Sometimes life has other plans and we get dragged along into murky messes - that’s what 2025 felt like to me. But things began to turn around as the year came to a close and by the time my daughter asked me what my word for 2026 was… I already knew that a new space was opening for me.

In the past- I tried to make my creativity support me financially. I can tell you with sincere expertise that it’s an incredibly exhausting and stressful way to live. That said, I forced it for many, many years. For so long, in fact, that it eventually caused a separation between me and my creativeness. What I know now is that creativity should have no pressure put upon it. I think the definition of the “crazy artist” is simply an artist who has to sell their work. It’s the having to sell that makes the crazy- not the art.

I sold my songs for years- most people know that. But I also went though a time when I sold things I made with material. Lap quilts and sewn artwork. What I made actually sold quite well- and that was the problem. I couldn’t make enough fast enough. It drove me crazy. It took the inspiration and fun out of it. One day when my girls were little, Brad came home and I was flat out on the floor, face down, crying in a mess of material. I couldn’t sew another stitch.

It wasn’t too long after that I started teaching yoga full time instead of part time, then I got certified as a plant-based health coach, then as a personal trainer, and then I got my certification in Corrective Exercise - that last piece really defined my work and I opened up my business as a health coach.

I put my artist self in the corner. My guitar case got dusty and I sold my sewing machine. The years went by and as long as I didn’t think about the loss of my creative self too much, I found I actually enjoyed feeling like a “normal person.” For the first time in my life I was working a normal(ish) job, 5 days a week just like the next guy.

Now and then my daughters would play my music. They would play it for me, or tell me how much they loved this song or that song. I was so thankful then I had spent those cataclysmic (and, only in retrospect, strangely beautiful) years toiling out my songs. I was thankful my music was out in the world.

Then- at the end of 2025 I pulled out a quilt I had never finished. I had been eyeing it for a while but had not brought myself to do much with it. It was huge, actually- much bigger than a lap size. I decided one day to finish it on an old sewing machine we still had hanging around. Brad was always complaining of not having a snuggly blanket on the couch for late night TV watching so this would be a perfect Christmas gift. I listened to music and sewed away during Christmas break. Often with my kids around me doing their creative endeavors.

Another time over the break my older daughter and I sat around with a guitar and sang my songs. My younger daughter came in and asked if I could play Orion- and she sang the whole thing, word for word.

We also baked, and my younger daughter made fancy cappuccinos with our new espresso machine. We ate lots of stuff I usually don’t. Freshly baked cinnamon rolls and other brilliant things you can make with dough. The art of baking is as inspired as growing veggies in the garden, I thought - as I cleaned out the last cucumbers and lettuce from the garden boxes.

We took long walks on the beach and at the bluffs with Marv. (When I carried him because he seemed tired Brad asked me how I expected Marv to become a man if he couldn’t experience persevering through some fatigue.)

Anyway- look. What I realized these last weeks is this: art and creativity, away from the struggle …it was still there waiting for me. Just waiting patiently for me to figure it out. To seal in this realization, I bought myself a new sewing machine and started sewing a new quilt. As I did I thought about my garden and plans to grow more food. I pulled out my favorite recipe books and mulled over all the things I wanted to make. I spent time with other inspiring books that I’d set aside for far too long. I knitted for a while and sewed some more and picked up my guitar again for a few minutes. These actions fulfill me and yet I had abandoned them. It happens.

My creative spirit has been in Winter for many years. But seasons turn. And my Winter, I believe, is coming to an end. I can feel the interconnectedness with my family- my parents, husband and children who identify my creative self as simply their daughter, wife and mother. In other words, to them, it’s just who I am. They have cherished and held that part of me always in their hearts and somehow kept it alive for me when I, myself, could not. Thank you family. I love you so much.

I guess another word I could use for 2026 is Balance. (That’s my older daughter’s word.) Finding the balance between work and art and also the places they intersect….
…it should prove to be an interesting year.

And so…with that. I can now ask you…what’s YOUR word for 2026?

xoxo

I’ve tried three times to write this post, and I’ve failed every time. I think I’m trying to bring too much together in a small space.

In a nutshell, I’ve seen some of the worst aspects of our modern society in the past weeks, and- I’ve also seen absolutely amazing things. One of the worst aspects was (and still is) dealing with an issue with my phone that the phone company can’t seem to fix. Suddenly, I can’t receive calls. And no one can tell me why. And no one can fix it. I’ve dealt with zombies in a fluorescent big box store for so many hours these past days…. it almost made me go crazy. After this week, I really understand why someone would want to live off the grid.

But then. I was back in my own home- with my two daughters, making food and tea, laughing and sewing and knitting and drawing…

I always seem to come back to simple things. Ancient arts. A salad with lettuce from the garden. Listening to good music in which there is stunning poetry and melody (hard to find, but once in a while, it is out there.) I’m hard to please and easy to please.

Quite frankly, I’m not sure what to do with this world. But I know that I will continue on with this great quote from the movie Nyad: “Where’s the excellence?” It’s my mantra for 2026! Where’s the excellence? ( I can tell you for sure it’s not in the channels of my phone company.)

Can we find excellence in ourselves in the face of crappy things? Can we seek excellence in the small and big things we do? I watch my youngest daughter make a beautiful salad because life is beautiful. Life is beautiful and in response we should strive for excellence in everything we do.

Anyway. Look! We adopted a young man that we named Marvin. He is excellent. Someone dropped him in a dirt yard and left him scared. He was skinny and turned into a pancake when you approached him- all legs out and chin to the ground. He is the sweetest guy we’ve ever met and we love him to pieces! I don’t think he’d ever seen grass before. He thinks grass is the most amazing thing in the world!! He loves our senior Lab and snuggling is his favorite pastime. He doesn’t let his hurtful past drag him down. Marvin manifested us and the universe gave us Marvin. Poof!

There is good and richness and beauty around us. I hope you can feel and see all the magic in yourself and in the world this holiday.

XO

C.

A sort of part two from last week.

Generally, people forget that they are living in a body that strives to be healthy. A body that is incredible, and in many ways not understood by science. There are mysteries of the human body that even doctors can’t rightly understand. Luckily- and perhaps purposefully - those mysteries don’t all need to be understood by us. Neil deGrasse Tyson said “The universe is under no obligation to make sense to you.” We could say the same thing about the body.

That said, we do get clear messages from our bodies when we need to change behavior or attend to something of importance: fatigue, thirst, hunger, fullness, discomfort and pain are important communications - not unlike an engine light going on in a car.

Part of the problem with culture today is it strives to teach us that it knows better than we do about our own selves and instincts. TikTok and other forms of social media seek to exploit self-doubt and disconnect. The weight-loss industry, for example —according to Chat GPT, is valued at approximately $142.58 billion in 2022 and is projected to reach $298.66 billion by 2030.

Staying with the concept of weight loss for a moment…check it out: a calorie is simply a measure of energy. Our bodies need energy in order to do anything and everything. All living actions, even breathing, burns calories. The amount of calories we need to ingest from food is dependent on how many calories we burn through activity. That’s why active people need more calories than sedentary people.

Excluding those with more uncommon medical conditions - for most people, if you are trying to lose weight, the goal is to ultimately burn more calories than you take in. That’s how you burn fat (fat = “extra” calories stored in your body.)

Using a pill to take off weight may work in the same way that using make-up might cover up dark circles under the eyes. In such instances, we miss the journey of self-connection: the process by which we listen and respond naturally to ourselves and our body’s communications. We miss out on understanding why we are overweight, or constantly fatigued, or whatever the symptom may be. Our culture supports this trading of curiosity and personal journey for a quick fix.

We want results without the work. We want an athletic body without having to train like an athlete. We want to control our eating without seeking the understanding of why we eat too much (or too little.) We are awesome at coming up with excuses for why we are not feeling our best. For instance, I can’t tell you how many times people comment to me that they are “too tight to do yoga.” Ummm….that’s like saying you’re too thirsty to drink water.

A new client asked me asked me the other day how many times much she should exercise per week. Tell me your goals, I asked her. (I would never answer for a client “how much” without understanding what exactly it is they want to achieve.) After a client tells me their goals, I can tell them with assuredness how often they need to workout in order to achieve that goal. Often though, it turns out for the client that there’s a time factor issue and then the excuses come rolling in…the kids, work schedule, etc. Can you get up an hour earlier a few times a week? I’ll ask. Simple. (Not easy.)

This morning I’m going for a swim because I want to be a better swimmer. The more I allow the unease, the more I face the challenge, the more I learn about myself. Each run, each swim, the closer I get to myself. The closer I get to myself, the healthier I become. The healthier I become, the more I can tolerate my own difficulties as well as have more bandwidth to understand others who may be struggling in their lives. These are the benefits to following through with long-term goals or commitments even when it’s hard.

Are you tight? Does it bother you? Then stretch! The answer is not complicated. The actually doing it, the setting aside the time, the willingness to be the tightest person in the yoga class, the getting up an hour earlier to go to the gym, the planning of healthy meals, that’s where the work comes in, the journey starts, and life gets a lot more interesting.

One day, many sessions in, a tight client says to me: Hey, look! I can touch my fingers to my toes! I’ve never been able to do that! He says it with disbelief, shock and awe, as if there is sort of some magic involved. No magic. You just showed up and did the work. I have never seen someone more proud than a tight dude the day he touches his toes.

So.
What are YOUR goals? (They could be anything.)
What happens when you try and take the easy way out?
What happens when you don’t?

I find it interesting that as humans, we are really are quite confused on how best to take care of ourselves. In order to understand how true that is, just look outside the window. Is that bird on the branch googling what workout is best for removing menopausal belly fat? Is a an ant hemming and hawing between Paleo, Vegan and Keto diets?

Part of the problem, some say, is that as a species, at one point, our brains developed too quickly for our own good. We came to dominate the earth without rightly or innately understanding ourselves. And that makes for a confused leader. A lioness is stoic in her power because she developed herself over the timespan of approximately 2 million years. She’s chill with who she is. Modern humans developed in just 300,000 years. We are not chill. We are freaked out.

Just take the world of weight-loss. How many different ways can you think of to lose weight. Here’s just a few: weight loss drugs, weight loss surgery, Weight Watchers or the gym. Which would you choose? Other species have exercise wired. They do what’s sensible, minus the guesswork and drama. A lion never has to decide what weight loss plan to do because a lion lives in a natural eco-friendly balance that was learned over millennia. We as a species are far too under-developed to do that. Good news is: we don’t have to be. (Not totally anyway.)

As far as health goes, the world makes it FAR too complex. Instead, make it simple. Eat nutritious and clean. Get adequate sleep, water and exercise. Done.

If there are mental/emotional blocks in the way, get a therapist. If you don’t know how to exercise correctly, get a Personal Trainer. If you don’t know how to eat healthily, get a nutritionist. Done. If you can’t afford those things, get yo’ ass to the local library and start some dedicated research.

Sleep is non negotiable and so is hydration and a healthy diet. But exercise, to me, is empowering! Not only does exercise burn calories, it streamlines the body and wakes it up- by moving our blood and speeding up the detoxing of “trash” in our tissues. Exercise increases “happy” chemicals in the brain, helps us flush out emotional stagnancy and builds muscle and bone density. All of these things contribute to organ health. That’s why people who exercise regularly look healthy - they are healthy!

How about this: when at a loss for how to care for yourself, go for a brisk walk or run. Plant some food in your garden, tend to it, watch it grow. Drink some water. Eat a salad with some protein mixed in. Join the local gym. Get your heart rate up enough to break a sweat. Go to bed early.

The rest of nature keeps things pretty simple. Learn from a flower. Learn from a bird. Learn from your dog. Learn from lettuce seeds. Dive in and learn from yourself. One of my favorite phrases is: the truth is out there. It’s out there (and in there.)

You have to choose to evolve.

When working on your own health, here’s something: get interested in the difference between simple and easy. (Hint, preparing a nutritious meal is simple- that doesn’t mean it’s always easy.)

To me, evolving is like going backwards. Back to our roots. Nature, air, food, water, walk, rest. Is it easy? It’s an interesting question. Another question would be: is it worth it.

Set the goal, get the goal. These were the words of an athletic director I worked for in my early days of being a Personal Trainer. The phrase was actually used as sales pitch to entice people to sign up for training sessions. The words felt cheesy at the time- but somehow they’ve stuck with me for years.

A good trainer will be able to assess where a client is and set up a program to get them from where they are to where they want to be. One thing I always ask a new client is how many days per week they will be able to devote to training. It’s a non-judgmental question meant to inform me (and them) on how long it will likely take the client to get where they want to be.

A lot of middle-aged women want arms like Michelle Obama. All I can tell you is Michelle works out more than 1X/week. So. Can you settle for arms that look more toned than yours but not quite Michelle’s? Because on a quick google search I found this: Michelle Obama works out almost every day, except when she is traveling. Her routine includes a mix of cardio, Pilates, tennis, and kickboxing. She has also been known to wake up as early as 4:30 a.m. to make time for her workouts.

Achievable goals, my friends.

As for me- well, I’m in the business of training and health so maybe I’m willing to put more time into my workouts than the average person. Still- my athletic friend and client who swims in the open ocean and ran a marathon suggested to me that I start with the shorter duration “Sprint Triathlon” (rather than the Marathon Tri) when I told her my plans for 2026. Achievable Goals.

Similarly, my younger daughter recently and bravely came to see that a goal of hers was perhaps too big of a bite to chew. It’s not that the ultimate goal isn’t achievable, rather- the reaching for it felt consistently defeating. Sometimes we put the cart in front of the horse. Reminds me of the stock market when a stock price suddenly skyrockets seemingly out of nowhere- and then has to drop back down to backfill the gap it created. It’s ok, and there’s nothing “wrong” with overshooting….but life will most likely make us go back and fill in the gaps. Writer Samuel Beckett said “Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

I’m sore this morning because I’m pushing myself towards my goal to do the (Sprint) Triathlon next year.. I go to the pool. I hate the pool. I hate cold(ish) water. I hate the swim cap and goggles. I hate the dead bees in the pool. I hate that it’s hard. I hate that I’m bad at it. But I was damn proud to swim my first 500 meters the other day. And, as I’ve told you- I hate running. Though I’m learning to hate it less- because I’m running a little bit further here and there and in the habit of telling myself: You did that!

If you want Michelle Obama arms— what it will take and what can you give? If you want to do a triathlon. If you want to make a million dollars. If you want to become a famous actor. If you want to plant a huge garden. If you want to play the guitar. If you want to get into Harvard. If you want to be bi-lingual. What are you willing to commit to? What’s in the way that’s keeping you from committing more? How can you keep things reasonable and not overshoot? It’s an inside job to figure out the answers to these questions. That’s what I tell my kids, that’s what I remind myself, and that’s what it always comes back to.

Are you willing to fail is an interesting question. But a much more interesting question to me is… are you willing to succeed?

The idea of a Sprint Triathlon keeps me training but keeps the dread out of it. The distances are reasonable enough that I can take time to focus on speed and technique rather than just praying I can finish the event without dying. It’s an achievable goal.

Brick by brick, my fellow goal-setters. Stroke by stroke. push-up by push-up and step by step. Are you with me? What’s your goal for 2026? Let’s get ‘em, tiger.